Most assistants will tell you the one thing that’s hardest for them to do is say no.  Most of them are buried in work as a result, trying to dig themselves out, their subconscious mind moving at 90 miles per hour with a general angry feeling because everyone else gets to go home at five o’clock and they’re in the office for another two or three hours.

Then, it happens.  The boss makes that irritating request for the sixth time this week, and the dam bursts.  The response: “NoI’mnotgoingtodothatwhodoyouthinkIamWonderWoman?” (better known as the aggressive whiny child voice).  Or, “Absolutely not.  I’m already working until 7PM every night.” (better known as the aggressive controlling parent voice).  Or even holding your tongue and not saying anything, just nodding and taking on the extra work, plotting how you’ll get back at your manager later (the passive aggressive stance).

Saying no and being assertive threatens to disturb the delicate balance of workplace relationships, but sometimes it has to be done. But remember that assertiveness is not aggressiveness.  Assertiveness is acting to directly affect a situation.  Aggression is acting to affect a situation at someone else’s expense.  If you can “sell” assertive when you address the situation, you’ll preserve your relationships and get your way.

The first step is to enter a discussion with confidence and a good attitude.  This can be hard, especially if you’re confrontation-adverse.  But take a deep breath and speak authentically, using your first person statements (“I feel a little overworked and I would appreciate it if we could look at another solution for getting this project done.”)  Stand tall and understand that your manager wouldn’t be asking you to do this if he didn’t think you could handle it, if he didn’t think you were the best person for the job.  Don’t be judgmental!

Secondly, ask yourself why you want to take the opposing point of view.  If your co-worker is asking to borrow money for the coffee machine again and you want to say no, stop and ask yourself what the consequences of lending money can be. Well, for starters, she still owes you three dollars from last week’s coffee machine purchases.  Secondly, you want to preserve your relationship with your co-worker, and that can be hard when the touchy subject of money-borrowing enters the picture.  There.  Now you have some reasonable excuses.

Start the conversation by acknowledging that you understand the other person’s point of view.  For your manager, you could launch with, “I understand that this project is important and needs to be addressed immediately.”  For your co-worker, “I know that it’s hard to remember to bring change from home for the coffee machine – I frequently forget myself.”  That’s followed by the “but…”  Acknowledging that you understand why this behavior is occurring will help the other participant accept your viewpoint more, because he’s reassured that you “get” him.

Next, be true to yourself in your explanation.  Don’t make up some reason why you don’t want to give your co-worker the money, tell her, “I really feel like our friendship will be threatened if money gets in the way, and I value my relationship with you.  So I’d rather not lend you money. I hope you understand.”   That’s so much better than making up an excuse, and you’re handling the problem in a way that will ensure it doesn’t arise again.  Remember to use those first-person phrases, too!  “When you borrow money, I feel…” is much better than “You never pay me back, you’re a bum!”

Finally, don’t be afraid to ask for the new behavior or new solution.  If you really want your manager to help you prioritize your projects so you can have a better work-life balance, then ask for that.  The same holds true for your co-worker.  If you’re not going to lend money, you need to tell her that you don’t have any intentions of doing so, today or any other day.  It saves you future confrontations that can deteriorate your work relationship.

Now, if you’ve done all that and you’re still not successful, if the other person is not acting like an adult, you need to maintain your cool.  Don’t allow someone to use your bad behavior to validate their own bad behavior.  Perhaps you go through the motions of telling your manager that your work-life balance needs adjustment and he attacks you by saying, “You don’t need a work-life balance adjustment, you need to take a shorter lunch!  You need to get a little smarter!  You need to quit being slow as molasses in January!”   Well, your first thought is to defend yourself.  “I need to get smarter?  You called me in to fix your computer when it wouldn’t turn on, and you didn’t even have it plugged in!!”

That’s not solving anything, and a work relationship is deteriorating.  You need to plow ahead with your adult voice.  “I understand your frustration, there’s more work here than we can handle most days.  Should we sit down and talk about what I should prioritize?  Perhaps something else can wait.”

And so it goes.

Being assertive means taking charge to get the right action accomplished, and it can be done without hurting others.  Take a deep breath and be true to yourself the next time you have the opportunity.  It’s likely to provide you with a pleasant result!

Next post:  Wednesday, May 30

How many times have you wanted to talk about a subject very important to you, only to find that the person with whom you’re talking isn’t really listening?  Oh, she looks like she’s listening, but she’s really not paying attention at all.  Doesn’t it make you want to scream?

Communication isn’t just about talking, it’s about listening.  In fact, communication only happens when all parties are engaged in uncovering and understanding the meaning behind the words.  Otherwise, it’s just a bunch of chatter!

During active listening, a listener gives feedback to the speaker, confirming an understanding of what the speaker has said by asking questions and making clarifying statements.  Rather than waiting his turn to speak or allowing himself to be distracted, he’s reassuring the speaker that he’s interested in the subject matter and wants to completely understand the point the speaker is trying to make.  It’s the ultimate way of making a fellow participant feel safe in the conversation.

There are a lot of sites out there that give advice about active listening or even (over) explain its aspects, but what you really need to remember is this:

Pay close enough attention to what’s being said that you can paraphrase – If you can step into the conversation by saying, “So let me see if I understand this correctly.  What you’re saying is….” then you’re listening hard enough.  If you’re saying, “Uh-huh, uh-huh” but not really recapping a set of statements, then try listening a little harder.

Give good body cues – Make eye contact, lean in while the speaker is talking, and don’t let your gaze drift from his.  If you’re leaning back in a chair reading what’s on your computer monitor, the speaker isn’t going to feel like you’re paying attention to him, even if you are.

Minimize distractions – I always feel special when I walk into someone’s office and they turn off their radio or push their monitor in another direction in order to pay closer attention to what I have to say.  When someone is talking to you, do your best to minimize those things that could steal your attention away from the conversation.

Keep yourself out of the conversation – Avoid sharing how you handled a similar issue, unless you’re specifically asked for advice.  Keep an open mind about the subject matter, even if you don’t agree.  And if someone is complaining about your previous behavior or choices, wait until he or she is done before you launch into a defense – better yet, don’t launch into a defense, but ask those clarifying questions and make sure that you totally understand the other’s point of view before crafting your response.

If you’re already smiling, thinking about how wonderful it would be to have that kind of attention when you’re talking to someone, then you know just how popular you will become paying that same rapt attention to others.

But what if no one listens to you the way you listen to others.  That’s not fair!  What do you do about that?

Well, take those same hints for active listening and turn them around a bit:

Help your audience by paraphrasing – If no one in your audience is being kind enough to break in to clarify his understanding of your point, then do it for him!  Pause mid-point and say, “Let me stop here for a moment.  Am I being clear about what I’m trying to say?  Is there anything up to this point that you’d like me to go over again?”  By posing these questions, you’re thrusting active listening upon your audience.

Minimize things that could be distracting during your conversation – Don’t be afraid to ask your audience to turn off the television for a moment while you make an important point.

Keep your audience out of the conversation – When I’m in a heated conversation about whether democrats or republicans are right about a particular matter, I will always approach someone with an opposing view by saying, “I understand you see the problem that way, and I can agree with you in many respects.  But do you understand my point of view?”  If someone is attacking you for a previous action, listen politely to the end and then start your conversation by saying, “I can understand how you see it this way.  But…”

The more you practice active listening, the better you’ll become at all-around conversations.  If nothing else, good listeners always have a ton of friends and are sought after like Super Bowl tickets.  Hone your skills and enjoy being the person all your friends gravitate to!

Next post:  Thursday, May 24

Management expert and author Ken Blanchard once said, “Real communication happens when people feel safe.”

Why is that?

Well, think about it.  If you know that you’re going to hear harsh words from someone, you’re less than anxious to meet up with that person at the water cooler.  Evil words are going to be thrown at you, so you run the other way.  Conversation never happens.

When people feel unsafe in a conversation, it’s because they feel (in one way or another) like their self-esteem is taking a hit.  And the result of “unsafe” is either fight (executing a defense, lashing out, arguing) or flight (the silent treatment, avoiding dealing with the issue).  Either way, communication isn’t happening, and as one of the participants in the conversation you can take it upon yourself to make it right by doing the following:

Enter the conversation positively – If the other participant feels like you want to spend this time talking to her, she’s more likely to open up.  Remember our last post about your mood and how it affects others’ perceptions of you in conversations?  Well, allow them to perceive openness, and you’re already better off!

Accept bids for conversation as they’re given to you – When someone comes up to your desk, smiles and stands there waiting for you to finish typing, he’s actually making a conversational “bid.”  He wants your attention, he wants to talk.  So talk.  Stop what you’re doing (the typing can wait!) and start into the conversation.  Or at the very least, let him know that you’re finishing up something very important and you’ll be back with him as soon as you’re done.

Acknowledging, opening up to and accepting other people is the cornerstone of good communication.  Consider this: couples who are happily married accept each others’ conversational bids over 80 percent of the time, according to a study by the Gottman Relationship Institute.  Couples who end up divorced only accept each others’ bids an average of 33 percent of the time. The moral of this story is that your relationships will improve in the workplace if you acknowledge people positively when they want to speak with you.

Ask the person if he or she is feeling defensive – It’s perfectly fine to step back for a moment and say, “Does what I’m saying make you feel like I’m attacking you?”  This encourages the other participant to feel safer in explaining his feelings.  If he says yes:

• Apologize and assure him that you’re not trying to get personal, but you’re bringing this up because
• Allow him to take a moment and disengage
• Offer to begin again after he’s had some time

Suspend judgment! – Sometimes, if someone is behaving as though she doesn’t feel “safe” in the conversation with you, it could be for reasons that are outside the conversation you’re having.  It’s easy to think, “She only cares about herself and her own agenda, she’s not listening at all, she doesn’t give a fig what I’m trying to say.”  But it might not be about you at all, so step back and give the other person some room.  Your communication with her will be the better for it.

You can take these same hints when you’re not feeling safe in a conversation.  Don’t be afraid to pipe up and say, “You’ll have to excuse me, I’m feeling a little bit like you’re attacking me (my idea, my team).  I’d like to step back for a moment.”   Assure the other person that it’s not that you don’t see her point of view, and let her know that you’re very interested in getting resolution on the issue.  But know your limits – everyone has an ego and a self-image involved in a conversation, and the well-being of yours are important, too.

As you start to practice these skills and master them, you’ll see that people are more open to speaking with you.  And this will change how you interact with them for the better!

Next post:  Thursday, May 17

How could I have been so stupid? Why did I say that? I need to have more control over myself!

About 50,000 thoughts go through a person’s mind each day, and that one, listed above, is pretty damaging.  This thought makes you angry at yourself and convinces you to adjust your behavior.  The next time you have a conversation, you’re going to alter your method of participation so that you don’t make this same perceived mistake that you thought you made this time around.

In reality, whatever it was you said probably didn’t have any impact at all on the other speaker.  So why beat yourself up?

It’s hard not to, but when you have these little negative dialogues going on in your head, it affects the way you present yourself in a conversation and affects the mood you have going in.  And you can bet that will affect the outcome of the conversation too.  So fill your head with positive thoughts about yourself.  Or at least don’t listen to yourself when you’re beating yourself up.

Not sure how to stop your own negative influences?  This is a good article by Evelyn Lim to get you started!

So, interested in knowing what happens when you’ve put yourself in a foul mood and start into a conversation?

American psychologist Stanley Schachter once conducted a study where several subjects were gathered to “play a game.”  One student, an actor, was paid to come in late.  In the first group, she apologized profusely for her tardiness, offered everyone cookies out of her bag and was sweet and kind.  When she participated with a second group, she also came in late but did not apologize, ate candy out of her own bag and didn’t offer any to the group, and turned on her headphones to block out any discussions by the rest of the group.

In each group, the subjects were told they’d be refereeing a game and, as luck would have it, the actor was the player on which they were passing judgment.

In the first group, where the actor had ingratiated herself to the group, the “referees” were very kind to her.  When her ball landed on the line, her new friends called it “in” rather than “out.”  Generally, she was treated more favorably.

In the second group, where the actor had been rude and disruptive, the “referees” showed no mercy.  Even when her ball was clearly in bounds, they called her out.

If you walk into a conversation with a bad attitude or a bad mood, regardless if you arrived there because of negative self-talk or because something else set you off, you won’t end up on top.  Just like the actor in the study, you can positively affect the outcome of your conversations just by putting some kindness and happiness out there for the taking.

Easier said than done sometimes.  When I open a box and find that I’m sent the wrong merchandise for the second time, it’s hard to place the call to get the situation corrected with a big smile on my face.  Still, when I place that call, the person that answers is not likely to have packed my box of merchandise.  So what does it cost me?  That person is more apt to help me if he or she likes me.

Remember to check your bad mood, unhappy attitude and negative self-talk at the door.  It’s a big step toward ensuring your conversations are productive and decisions are made in your favor!

Now that we’ve talked about some of the non-verbal things that dictate conversations, we’ll get down to some actual conversations and how to enhance your relationships – and your results.

Next post:  Tuesday, May 15

You can have two people cross your path on the way to the cafeteria during the day.  The first is a kind fellow assistant that tells you, “I’d like to get together with you and figure out that meeting schedule for the Asia trip this afternoon.”

Sure!  You let her know you’ll plan to be at her desk right after you finish lunch.

Next, you encounter is your manager.  He’s angry.  He says, “When you get back from lunch you need to get that meeting schedule together for Asia.  I want it by the end of the day.”

Fine.  It was in your plans anyway.  And you’re not going to let his little snit ruin your lunch, either!

Your manager was using his parent voice, as discussed in last week’s post.  This is called control talk, and it’s commonly identified by a person using his parent voice to order another (the child) around.  Sure, it can get results, but it doesn’t do anything to enhance the relationship you’re building with the other person.  No one likes to be bossed around like that.

There are times when control talk works – mostly in the military and in emergency situations.  We’ll talk more about that later!

If your manager were to (heaven forbid) tell you, “Listen, you stupid idiot, I need that schedule for Asia immediately.  Get on it now and don’t do anything else until you’re done!”  that would be referred to as heavy control talk.  Heavy control talk is abusive, and it should definitely not have a place in business.  That doesn’t mean that it doesn’t exist, of course.

Control talking is not the most successful way to win friends and influence people.  The conversation you want to be involved in is the one you had with your fellow assistant.  She mentioned that she’d like to get to work on that Asia meeting schedule, and this afternoon seemed like a good time to do it.  You responded well to that request and agreed to it immediately.  Your co-worker was being assertive, but she was addressing you in her adult voice via dialogue talk.  Dialogue talk treats both individuals as adults who have a right to make a decision in the way the conversation goes.

Conversations are most successful when they take place with dialogue talk.  It puts two thinking, feeling people on even ground.

Surprisingly, the kind of talk that can have the biggest effect on how a conversation plays out is self talk.  Self talk is exactly what you think it is – that little voice in your head that’s telling you how great you are, how bad you are, making you angrier about that person that cut you off on the freeway or happily remembering the kiss your two-year-old gave you as you walked out the door.  Your self talk creates some of the baggage you bring into the conversation.  We’re going to talk more about your mood and how it affects a conversation in our next post!

Next Post:  Thursday, May 10